Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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