you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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