Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I want her autograph on my taint
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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