so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
