Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
