What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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