Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
