I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
