Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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