Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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