My first STD was from a foam party
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My feet surprised me
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