happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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