There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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