I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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