I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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