Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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