She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
