So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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