how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
