Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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