oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
