the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
