you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
