I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
