I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
