I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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