weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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