Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
