I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
