I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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