I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
