i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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