haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
