garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
