Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
