You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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