I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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