dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I am one with the molecules
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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