You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
