I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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