We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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