just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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