Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
