wakey wakey hands off snakey
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I think weed is turning my hair brown
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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