Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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