i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
