i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
