Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
