Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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