Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
