Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
