Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, beer. Big fan.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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