That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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