i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
