I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
