Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
