Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
