Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
