Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
