Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
