I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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