i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
