i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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